Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Reflecting.

Ohhh, this weekend. It's been a rough one. If ever anyone has thought that everything over here at Chez Buckman is perfect... well this weekend I really proved otherwise. I completely missed a special celebration, and seriously hurt the feelings of people I love. It was an unintentional mistake, unfortunately not the first, and I have felt just sick over it.

I've been reflecting on a few things:

First of all, honesty is always the best policy. It's cliche', I know, but true. It would have been so easy to come up with a quick lie to help cover my oversight, and preserve some form of dignity. Perhaps a flat tire, or a dead battery, or the flu could have helped my cause. I probably need to thank my parents for this, but telling the truth seems to come easy for me, even when I come out looking awful. I made the choice to just come right out and say that I was wrong, and admit that I am embarrassed and ashamed and so very sorry, and that is not always an easy thing to do. And now that I have children, I'm realizing the huge importance of teaching them to live honestly, by my example. I had to explain to Bella that we missed something we were looking forward to, because of my own carelessness, and not for any other reason. I've chosen to be honest, and to own up to my mistakes. I'm hoping it will teach her to do the same.

Secondly, I've learned that just when I think I've got my crap together, my oh my, I'm not even close. Making a big mistake is humbling. I try to balance my family, and church, and homeschooling, and work, and eating healthy, and cleaning, and laundry, and grocery shopping, and friends, and schedules, and extra-curricular activities, and doing nice things for people, and yes, even preserving memories on my silly little blog. And most of the time I think, "ok, I've got this, I can totally rock this", and then there are times that I completely drop the ball (sometimes repeatedly), and realize that I don't "got this". Not even close. And it's not a fun place to be. Not fun, like sobbing "I'm failing, and I can't keep up with all of this, and this is not what I want for my family" kind of not fun. But it's a good place to be too. Because it's real. And for me, I would prefer dirty, gritty, tell it like it is, real honesty, over dressed up, looking pretty, making sure everything is perfect on the outside when the inside is a mess. And as much as it stinks, these are the times for re-assessing what is working and what needs to be changed. And hopefully that process makes those mistakes less likely.

And thirdly, forgiveness and grace are amazing gifts. I am realizing that sometimes they are hard to receive when I feel like I don't deserve them, and when instead I want to earn those things by doing better in the future. For many people, it's a lot like that with God. We would rather try and work for his favor, instead of just realizing that we'll never get it totally right, and just accept it for what it is- a truly free, unmerited gift. His love is unconditional, and could not possibly be earned by just doing the right things. The issue now, is that I've been hurtful to others, and am seeking their forgiveness. And when forgiveness is received, it's a beautiful thing.

6 comments:

  1. Hey, i've been praying for you. That hearts would be healed and grace would be extended.

    Thanks for being honest. We've all been there, ok we are there and we love you just the way you are.

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  2. I know how terribly horrible you felt. You try so hard to do things for others and when you let someone down it crushes you...especially when that someone is someone you love. I pray that all will be forgiven and understood. We all love you Amy!

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  3. Aww Amy, you're such an amazing woman and we've only reconnected but I see how strong your heart is and, how you'd do anything for someone! I will tell you, I find myself trying to make up excuses for things every now and then and it's totally wrong. I want to raise Milaya in an honest household and I want her to see me making honest and trustworthy decisions in life so as she grows up, she'll learn to follow in my footsteps! I don't want to regret what I have taught her in life and that's what's so scary as a mother. We want to do everything right and make everyone happy. It doesn't always turn out that way and that's what makes us human. Keep your head up hunnie, things will all work themselves out and be ok :)

    I can't wait to see you and your family when we come out to Florida! I will let you know when we are coming out to look at apartments and hopefully do some job searching for my hubby Russ. I definitely want to get together!!!

    xoxo-Brooke

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    1. Thanks, Brooke! Iam looking forward to seeing you too!

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